you already fucking know what i want, Barry! it's the same fucking thing i always want! i'm so goddamn tired of crying over you! i just want to talk to you! i just want to see you!
[ Upon opening the door, Barry will be there... and he sort of looks like shit. Dark circles under his eyes, hair a slight mess β tired, but. He's there. In the flesh. Maybe with his shirt buttoned up a little wrong. Taking a moment to catch his breath, he sighs then, taking in the way Jason looks before he offers an: ]
[ Jason doesn't really look much better than that. and maybe it's not fair that Barry does, and Jason had no fucking idea about any of this. that's the thing, isn't it. Barry doesn't say shit to him about anything anymore.
but he still loves Barry, and fucking hates seeing him like this. he lets out a shaky breath, tugging Barry inside and closes his door. ]
Why didn't you just tell me? Why can't you just talk to me?
[ They're two peas in a pod for the moment it seems.
He lets himself be tugged inside, nearly stumbling over his own feet before he straightens himself up and turns, pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes falling shut. ]
Time... works very differently for me.
[ He explains then, letting his hand drop. ]
Things happen both fast and slow simultaneously a lot of the time. I lose track of time. Sometimes. Usually.
[ Jason furrows his eyebrows when Barry turns away, but it gives him a moment to wipe at his eyes again. he thought he was done crying. apparently not. but he listens, trying not to just jump down Barry's throat and bombard him with a thousand questions that he's had, all leading up to this. ]
So then what... you didn't realize how long it's been? Or have you just been too bust to talk to me? Cause sometimes it seems like one thing, and now it's another and...
[ he stops, wrapping his arms around himself. ]
Don't you miss me? Don't you think about me? No matter how much time has come and gone, don't you...
[he trails off, shaking his head. maybe he sounds pathetic. maybe he's being selfish. maybe he just wants his boyfriend to reach out to him everyone once in a while. to be here. but he also wants to understand.]
[ Even now, he tries to slow it all down for himself β slow his thoughts down to a handful instead of a room full. It's not always easy and something he needs to be aware that he's doing, but. He does. So as not to jump too much from one thought to another β saying one thing and then another. ]
I do miss you.
[ He says then, soft. Still turned away from Jason. ]
A lot.
[ Rubbing at his head, he turns then and lets himself face the other. ]
Nothing's your fault. [ He shakes his head, slow, hand dropping away from his head. ] I'm justβ there's always a lot in my head. All the time. Nonstop.
So when you miss me, why can't you just send me a message? A quick hello, anything? I wouldn't hound you, I swear. I wouldn't keep bugging you.
[and now it's frustrating, talking to Barry's back. he can feel his tears well up again until Barry finally turns back around to look at him.
it very much feels like his fault.]
You said I could help you with that. When we were together, you said it helped you move slower, helped your thoughts go slower. You said I helped you stay in the moment. What happened? Why are you pulling away from that?
[from me, Jason wants to say. all of this feels like Barry has been doing nothing but pulling away.]
[ It's true. When he's with Jason, his thoughts β the world around him... it all slows down. It slows down to the point where it's just the other he's able to focus on, just the other he's able to see and hear and feel. He's been without that. They've both been without that.
When he mentions the pulling away, he shakes his head again and eyes fall shut, as if trying to shake away a plethora of thoughts crashing down onto him all at the same time. ]
I'mβ not.
[ Hands going up to his head, fingers tangling through his hair, he opens his eyes and stares at the other as if trying to focus on him and only him. After a moment, there's a huff of laughter from him β short, sharp β but he doesn't really find anything funny. It's more frustrated and awkward than anything else. ]
Yβyou don't bug me. You never doβ never haβhave. [ He starts to stutter a little, showing how anxious he's getting. ] I justβ I'm trying to be everywhere at once and I should be able to but I can't and people die even when I try to save them because that's what I doβ should do with helping them but I can't save everyone no matter how hard I try and I don't know how any of you live with this with feeling like you can't save everyone even though you want to and you should be able to because you're so fast but yet somehow I'm not because then people wouldn't get hurt or die and it wouldn't be on you for that because you're supposed to help people not fail them or have to be the reason someone on the other side of the city wasn't helped when you were helping someone else because I'm the Flash I will be there in a flash and yet I'm not but I should be.
[ It all just pours out of him in what feels like one or two breaths. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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it's cool. i get it.
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it's nothing you did
i'm just
i'm sorry
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do u want your stuff or not?
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you never talk to me anymore. you never come see me.
i got the fucking message, alright?
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trying to balance work and a life and being the flash is just
difficult sometimes
i can't be everywhere at once
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guess this is doing you a favor then, huh?
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you've always been better than you've thought yourself to be
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don't gimme that shit. i'm always the thing that has to go.
i knew this was coming anyways so whatever.
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i'll come to you right now
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unlike you, i wouldn't move without telling you.
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I'm sorry.
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but he still loves Barry, and fucking hates seeing him like this. he lets out a shaky breath, tugging Barry inside and closes his door. ]
Why didn't you just tell me? Why can't you just talk to me?
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He lets himself be tugged inside, nearly stumbling over his own feet before he straightens himself up and turns, pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes falling shut. ]
Time... works very differently for me.
[ He explains then, letting his hand drop. ]
Things happen both fast and slow simultaneously a lot of the time. I lose track of time. Sometimes. Usually.
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So then what... you didn't realize how long it's been? Or have you just been too bust to talk to me? Cause sometimes it seems like one thing, and now it's another and...
[ he stops, wrapping his arms around himself. ]
Don't you miss me? Don't you think about me? No matter how much time has come and gone, don't you...
[he trails off, shaking his head. maybe he sounds pathetic. maybe he's being selfish. maybe he just wants his boyfriend to reach out to him everyone once in a while. to be here. but he also wants to understand.]
How does time work for you, then?
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I do miss you.
[ He says then, soft. Still turned away from Jason. ]
A lot.
[ Rubbing at his head, he turns then and lets himself face the other. ]
Nothing's your fault. [ He shakes his head, slow, hand dropping away from his head. ] I'm justβ there's always a lot in my head. All the time. Nonstop.
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[and now it's frustrating, talking to Barry's back. he can feel his tears well up again until Barry finally turns back around to look at him.
it very much feels like his fault.]
You said I could help you with that. When we were together, you said it helped you move slower, helped your thoughts go slower. You said I helped you stay in the moment. What happened? Why are you pulling away from that?
[from me, Jason wants to say. all of this feels like Barry has been doing nothing but pulling away.]
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When he mentions the pulling away, he shakes his head again and eyes fall shut, as if trying to shake away a plethora of thoughts crashing down onto him all at the same time. ]
I'mβ not.
[ Hands going up to his head, fingers tangling through his hair, he opens his eyes and stares at the other as if trying to focus on him and only him. After a moment, there's a huff of laughter from him β short, sharp β but he doesn't really find anything funny. It's more frustrated and awkward than anything else. ]
Yβyou don't bug me. You never doβ never haβhave. [ He starts to stutter a little, showing how anxious he's getting. ] I justβ I'm trying to be everywhere at once and I should be able to but I can't and people die even when I try to save them because that's what I doβ should do with helping them but I can't save everyone no matter how hard I try and I don't know how any of you live with this with feeling like you can't save everyone even though you want to and you should be able to because you're so fast but yet somehow I'm not because then people wouldn't get hurt or die and it wouldn't be on you for that because you're supposed to help people not fail them or have to be the reason someone on the other side of the city wasn't helped when you were helping someone else because I'm the Flash I will be there in a flash and yet I'm not but I should be.
[ It all just pours out of him in what feels like one or two breaths. ]
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