So when you miss me, why can't you just send me a message? A quick hello, anything? I wouldn't hound you, I swear. I wouldn't keep bugging you.
[and now it's frustrating, talking to Barry's back. he can feel his tears well up again until Barry finally turns back around to look at him.
it very much feels like his fault.]
You said I could help you with that. When we were together, you said it helped you move slower, helped your thoughts go slower. You said I helped you stay in the moment. What happened? Why are you pulling away from that?
[from me, Jason wants to say. all of this feels like Barry has been doing nothing but pulling away.]
[ It's true. When he's with Jason, his thoughts β the world around him... it all slows down. It slows down to the point where it's just the other he's able to focus on, just the other he's able to see and hear and feel. He's been without that. They've both been without that.
When he mentions the pulling away, he shakes his head again and eyes fall shut, as if trying to shake away a plethora of thoughts crashing down onto him all at the same time. ]
I'mβ not.
[ Hands going up to his head, fingers tangling through his hair, he opens his eyes and stares at the other as if trying to focus on him and only him. After a moment, there's a huff of laughter from him β short, sharp β but he doesn't really find anything funny. It's more frustrated and awkward than anything else. ]
Yβyou don't bug me. You never doβ never haβhave. [ He starts to stutter a little, showing how anxious he's getting. ] I justβ I'm trying to be everywhere at once and I should be able to but I can't and people die even when I try to save them because that's what I doβ should do with helping them but I can't save everyone no matter how hard I try and I don't know how any of you live with this with feeling like you can't save everyone even though you want to and you should be able to because you're so fast but yet somehow I'm not because then people wouldn't get hurt or die and it wouldn't be on you for that because you're supposed to help people not fail them or have to be the reason someone on the other side of the city wasn't helped when you were helping someone else because I'm the Flash I will be there in a flash and yet I'm not but I should be.
[ It all just pours out of him in what feels like one or two breaths. ]
Jason just watches Barry for a moment. the pain, the agony, the forward motion of it all that seems to hard to end. but it's falling. falling forward in a way that's impossible to sustain. and maybe Barry was able to slow down with him, but how can he ever get there with all this in his head. ]
Hey.
[Jason moves closer in a flash- or as fast as he can, sliding his hands over Barry's, pulling them from his head.]
Barry.
[he squeezes Barry's hands as he laces their fingers together.]
Okay. It's okay. Just take a breath, yeah? Shit... I'm sorry. Come on, come sit with me. Sit and we'll talk about this, okay?
[ When Jason pulls at his hands, he lets them fall, brown eyes blinking rapidly a couple times before he comes to focus on the other in front of him. Really focus. A second later, he shakes his head, hands still in Jason's. ]
Noβ you don'tβ I'm sorry. Not you. Youβ you didn't do anything wrong.
[ Again, he shakes his head, letting his gaze drop as he lets out a breath or two. ]
I should have called or come over or text or something and Iβ didn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you upset.
[he says quietly, eyes locked on Barry's for as long as he'll look at him and when he looks down, Jason pulls him towards his bed.]
Look, I didn't know, okay? I thought... I don't know what I thought. It was stupid of me. I thought that being together, that we could make this all better, and it was stupid and selfish of me.
[he pulls Barry down to sit, squeezing his hands.]
It's a lot. I get it... I mean I sort of get it, but not completely cause I can''t move as fast as you do. I can't try to be in more than one place at a time. But you know what? Neither can you. You can't be everywhere at once, you're right. You're right.
[ Much like with his hands, when Jason guides him to his bed, he lets him β lets himself sit down on it, hands still in Jason's. He's quiet for a long moment, staring down to the ground before he sucks in a breath and just... lets it out. Sighing. ]
I didn't think it would be this hard.
[ He says then, soft. ]
Not being able to help everyone... how do you handle that without feeling guilty? How can that ever get easier?
It's hard when you're as good of a person as you are. When you wanna help every single person.
[Jason furrows his eyebrows, shifting in a little closer. fuck. he feels so shitty and guilty now. Barry's dealing with a lot. his own stupid hurt and emotions are just... Stupid.]
You're not the only person, Barry. You gotta remember that. Yeah, you got powers, but that doesn't mean you can save every single person. You're gonna fucking kill yourself trying to do that and then what? You can't. We're all doing the best we can.
[he pulls one of his hands from Barry's, sliding it to his face.]
But you're gonna run yourself into the ground, sweetheart. And then you won't be able to do anything for anyone. You gotta trust that there are other people out there doing what they can too. You can't save everyone. You're doing your best.
That's why we're all here helping you. I know we don't all got the superpowers you've got, but we're doing our best too.
[ His gaze comes to lift when that hand touches his face and he stares to Jason, tired and worn out and lacking the bubbly brightness he often carries with him. As quick as he can be to heal, emotionally it just... takes a lot longer.
Lips parting for a moment, he frowns then. ]
I've neglected you. I'm sorry.
[ So wrapped up in trying to balance this superhero life on top of whenever the justice league needs him as well as his job and some semblance of a life... it's been an adjustment for him. One he has no idea how Bruce or Clark manage to do like it's nothing.
Eyes still on the other, he lets his head fall against Jason's then, eyes falling shut. ]
[ Jason runs his thumb back and forth along Barry's face. this tired and defeated look breaks his heart. he just wants to make this better somehow. he doesn't want to add to it. ]
No, Barry... it's okay. I didn't know. I... I should've fucking asked. I got wrapped up in my own stupid head.
[Jason lifts his other hand too, sliding his fingers through Barry's hair when the other's head falls against his.]
I miss you too. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. How can I help more? I wanna help. I wanna be there for you more than I have been.
[ He sort of hates this because he doesn't want Jason to feel bad or guilty for his own neglecting of him he just... needs to find more time. Somehow. If not that then... to find a way to accept that he can't be everywhere all at once. That he just... can't save everyone. Even if he wants to. Even if he'll keep trying to. Because that's just the sort of person Barry Allen is.
Having this moment here of letting his thoughts fall quiet and just having Jason right here... he lets his eyes open after a moment, forehead still pressed to his. ]
[ but it's not Barry's fault. Jason just doesn't know. and he wishes Barry would tell him when he's feeling like this, or needs to work something out, but... there's a lot on his mind, and Jason doesn't know what it feels like for time to move differently, but... he wants to try and understand it.
Jason looks at Barry when he opens his eyes to look at him, and with a soft nod, Jason leans in to press his lips against Barry's, his previous hurt slowly melting away. ]
[ The second he has those lips against his again, everything suddenly feels ok again. The thoughts, the guilt, the worry, the fatigue. It all disappears only to be replaced with the warmth of Jason here. A warmth he's missed dearly.
He noses at him after a moment, sigh there on his lips, and eyes still shut as he presses his forehead a little more firmly against Jason's. Needing that warmth β that closeness. ]
Think I really needed that.
[ He murmurs, bringing a hand up to softly caress against Jason's neck, gaze lingering on the other's collarbones. ]
[he feels it too. everything fades into the background as he kisses Barry a little deeper, softly, pulling him closer.
Jason keeps scratching his fingers lightly through Barry's hair, forehead resting firmly against his, but leaning in to press another soft kiss against his lips.]
Me too.
[he's needed this so badly, but he didn't realize just how much Barry's needed him too.]
I don't want you to take your stuff either. Your stuff belongs here. My stuff belongs there. We belong to each other.
[ The smile he wears at those words and those touches is soft and tired but gently warm in a way that is almost how he normally is. When he's not bogged down by stress and anxieties. ]
I always love you. If I ever do drop dead from trying to save everyone, at least I got to meet you. Least I got to have this with you and for that, I'll always feel lucky.
[ Letting eyes fall shut, he noses at Jason again, forehead still against his to keep that closeness. ]
I'm just gonna... stay here tonight. If that's ok.
[Jason keeps combing his fingers through Barry's hair, keeping him close. that smile is so tired, but warm, and Jason truly has missed Barry with every fiber of his being, but he doesn't want to make things worse for him.]
Me too, Barry. But you're not gonna drop dead from trying to save everyone, alright? We'll figure out a way to make this better. I'm here for you, okay? I just need you to talk to me. I wanna understand all of this, alright? I wanna be here for you. I'm sorry if I made this harder on you.
[he says quietly, needing Barry to know this.]
Yeah, babe. Of course it's okay. Come on, let's go to bed, alright? You need to get some rest.
[ Rest sounds good. Really good. Especially with having Jason here with him. So he nods when the suggestion of going to bed is given, looking down to his poorly buttoned up shirt he's got going on currently before he lets go of a sigh and starts to slowly unbutton with a nod. ]
Feels like I'm running on no sleep almost. Whichβ funny, right?
[ Letting Jason push his shirt off (though he still has his t-shirt on under) for him, he smiles, hum there on his lips as he moves his arms a bit to help. ]
Mm, road trip back to Central?
[ He huffs a lazy laugh, reaching down to go about tugging his shoes off at the heel. ]
I mean... if you don't mind the place looking like a mess... I wouldn't say no to having you there.
[ Jason leaves Barry's t-shirt on, but he moves to kneel down between his legs to help him with his shoes, his socks. ]
Road trip back to Central, yeah. That sounds like a great idea. I don't mind the place looking like a mess, you know I don't. I can even help you clean it if you want. I can be there with you and help you out with whatever you need.
[he reaches up to undo Barry's pants, then gently pushes him to lay back so he can tug them down.]
[ When pushed, he lets himself be, back softly hitting the bed as he looks up to the ceiling while Jason takes to removing his shoes. It's weird... Jason taking care of him like this when he'd been the one to have upset him with being so... detached. From him. From everyone and everything. Trying to wrestle with the hundreds of thoughts and anxieties swirling around in his head. He came to see him β to apologize and see if he could somehow fix it and yet... now he's the one trying to be fixed. Being apologized to.
Letting out a breath, he brings a hand up and lazily cards his fingers through his hair, brown eyes staring up to the ceiling still as he listens to Jason. ]
I'm sorry. [ He says then. ] I... came to say I was sorry to you and now you're the one trying to make me feel better when I should be making you feel better.
[Jason gets his pants off all the way, tossing them aside before he's back on the bed, moving to sit next to Barry's shoulder so he can look at him.]
I didn't get it, ok? I just needed you to talk to me. I needed to understand what was going on and now I do. I thought you were sick of me. I didn't know all of this was going on in your head.
[ Jason slides his fingers over Barry's, wanting that contact too. ]
Thanks for saying that. Sometimes I just get really fucking insecure, and I guess I need to hear it.
[he admits, because he can admit those things to Barry. when they're together, Jason realize these things. when they're apart, it all just sneaks into his brain in a weird way and fucks him up.]
Yeah. I know what it's like to get used to not having anyone to touch base with, to talk to. Maybe we can try and do that more. I can do a better job of reminding you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[and now it's frustrating, talking to Barry's back. he can feel his tears well up again until Barry finally turns back around to look at him.
it very much feels like his fault.]
You said I could help you with that. When we were together, you said it helped you move slower, helped your thoughts go slower. You said I helped you stay in the moment. What happened? Why are you pulling away from that?
[from me, Jason wants to say. all of this feels like Barry has been doing nothing but pulling away.]
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When he mentions the pulling away, he shakes his head again and eyes fall shut, as if trying to shake away a plethora of thoughts crashing down onto him all at the same time. ]
I'mβ not.
[ Hands going up to his head, fingers tangling through his hair, he opens his eyes and stares at the other as if trying to focus on him and only him. After a moment, there's a huff of laughter from him β short, sharp β but he doesn't really find anything funny. It's more frustrated and awkward than anything else. ]
Yβyou don't bug me. You never doβ never haβhave. [ He starts to stutter a little, showing how anxious he's getting. ] I justβ I'm trying to be everywhere at once and I should be able to but I can't and people die even when I try to save them because that's what I doβ should do with helping them but I can't save everyone no matter how hard I try and I don't know how any of you live with this with feeling like you can't save everyone even though you want to and you should be able to because you're so fast but yet somehow I'm not because then people wouldn't get hurt or die and it wouldn't be on you for that because you're supposed to help people not fail them or have to be the reason someone on the other side of the city wasn't helped when you were helping someone else because I'm the Flash I will be there in a flash and yet I'm not but I should be.
[ It all just pours out of him in what feels like one or two breaths. ]
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Fuck.
Jason just watches Barry for a moment. the pain, the agony, the forward motion of it all that seems to hard to end. but it's falling. falling forward in a way that's impossible to sustain. and maybe Barry was able to slow down with him, but how can he ever get there with all this in his head. ]
Hey.
[Jason moves closer in a flash- or as fast as he can, sliding his hands over Barry's, pulling them from his head.]
Barry.
[he squeezes Barry's hands as he laces their fingers together.]
Okay. It's okay. Just take a breath, yeah? Shit... I'm sorry. Come on, come sit with me. Sit and we'll talk about this, okay?
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Noβ you don'tβ I'm sorry. Not you. Youβ you didn't do anything wrong.
[ Again, he shakes his head, letting his gaze drop as he lets out a breath or two. ]
I should have called or come over or text or something and Iβ didn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you upset.
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[he says quietly, eyes locked on Barry's for as long as he'll look at him and when he looks down, Jason pulls him towards his bed.]
Look, I didn't know, okay? I thought... I don't know what I thought. It was stupid of me. I thought that being together, that we could make this all better, and it was stupid and selfish of me.
[he pulls Barry down to sit, squeezing his hands.]
It's a lot. I get it... I mean I sort of get it, but not completely cause I can''t move as fast as you do. I can't try to be in more than one place at a time. But you know what? Neither can you. You can't be everywhere at once, you're right. You're right.
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I didn't think it would be this hard.
[ He says then, soft. ]
Not being able to help everyone... how do you handle that without feeling guilty? How can that ever get easier?
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[Jason furrows his eyebrows, shifting in a little closer. fuck. he feels so shitty and guilty now. Barry's dealing with a lot. his own stupid hurt and emotions are just... Stupid.]
You're not the only person, Barry. You gotta remember that. Yeah, you got powers, but that doesn't mean you can save every single person. You're gonna fucking kill yourself trying to do that and then what? You can't. We're all doing the best we can.
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[ He says, still soft. ]
I don't want some other kid to find their mom dead like I did. Because no one was around to save her.
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[he pulls one of his hands from Barry's, sliding it to his face.]
But you're gonna run yourself into the ground, sweetheart. And then you won't be able to do anything for anyone. You gotta trust that there are other people out there doing what they can too. You can't save everyone. You're doing your best.
That's why we're all here helping you. I know we don't all got the superpowers you've got, but we're doing our best too.
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Lips parting for a moment, he frowns then. ]
I've neglected you. I'm sorry.
[ So wrapped up in trying to balance this superhero life on top of whenever the justice league needs him as well as his job and some semblance of a life... it's been an adjustment for him. One he has no idea how Bruce or Clark manage to do like it's nothing.
Eyes still on the other, he lets his head fall against Jason's then, eyes falling shut. ]
I miss you.
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No, Barry... it's okay. I didn't know. I... I should've fucking asked. I got wrapped up in my own stupid head.
[Jason lifts his other hand too, sliding his fingers through Barry's hair when the other's head falls against his.]
I miss you too. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. How can I help more? I wanna help. I wanna be there for you more than I have been.
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Having this moment here of letting his thoughts fall quiet and just having Jason right here... he lets his eyes open after a moment, forehead still pressed to his. ]
Kiss me?
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Jason looks at Barry when he opens his eyes to look at him, and with a soft nod, Jason leans in to press his lips against Barry's, his previous hurt slowly melting away. ]
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He noses at him after a moment, sigh there on his lips, and eyes still shut as he presses his forehead a little more firmly against Jason's. Needing that warmth β that closeness. ]
Think I really needed that.
[ He murmurs, bringing a hand up to softly caress against Jason's neck, gaze lingering on the other's collarbones. ]
I don't want to take my stuff.
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Jason keeps scratching his fingers lightly through Barry's hair, forehead resting firmly against his, but leaning in to press another soft kiss against his lips.]
Me too.
[he's needed this so badly, but he didn't realize just how much Barry's needed him too.]
I don't want you to take your stuff either. Your stuff belongs here. My stuff belongs there. We belong to each other.
I'm sorry I freaked out, Barry. I love you.
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I always love you. If I ever do drop dead from trying to save everyone, at least I got to meet you. Least I got to have this with you and for that, I'll always feel lucky.
[ Letting eyes fall shut, he noses at Jason again, forehead still against his to keep that closeness. ]
I'm just gonna... stay here tonight. If that's ok.
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Me too, Barry. But you're not gonna drop dead from trying to save everyone, alright? We'll figure out a way to make this better. I'm here for you, okay? I just need you to talk to me. I wanna understand all of this, alright? I wanna be here for you. I'm sorry if I made this harder on you.
[he says quietly, needing Barry to know this.]
Yeah, babe. Of course it's okay. Come on, let's go to bed, alright? You need to get some rest.
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Feels like I'm running on no sleep almost. Whichβ funny, right?
[ Because he's a speedster and he... runs. ]
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[he says softly, reaching out to help Barry unbutton his shirt.]
You need to take care of yourself. Or let me help you. Both, I wish, but...
[Jason pauses, pushing Barry's shirt off his shoulders slowly.]
Do you want me to come back with you? Stay there for a while?
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Mm, road trip back to Central?
[ He huffs a lazy laugh, reaching down to go about tugging his shoes off at the heel. ]
I mean... if you don't mind the place looking like a mess... I wouldn't say no to having you there.
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Road trip back to Central, yeah. That sounds like a great idea. I don't mind the place looking like a mess, you know I don't. I can even help you clean it if you want. I can be there with you and help you out with whatever you need.
[he reaches up to undo Barry's pants, then gently pushes him to lay back so he can tug them down.]
I can talk to Dick about it in the morning.
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Letting out a breath, he brings a hand up and lazily cards his fingers through his hair, brown eyes staring up to the ceiling still as he listens to Jason. ]
I'm sorry. [ He says then. ] I... came to say I was sorry to you and now you're the one trying to make me feel better when I should be making you feel better.
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[Jason gets his pants off all the way, tossing them aside before he's back on the bed, moving to sit next to Barry's shoulder so he can look at him.]
I didn't get it, ok? I just needed you to talk to me. I needed to understand what was going on and now I do. I thought you were sick of me. I didn't know all of this was going on in your head.
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I never get sick of you.
[ Words he gives that are soft but genuine, showing in the warmth of his brown eyes. ]
I'm sorry. I should have told you. I just... I'm used to not. Saying anything. To anyone. Just keep going, you know?
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Thanks for saying that. Sometimes I just get really fucking insecure, and I guess I need to hear it.
[he admits, because he can admit those things to Barry. when they're together, Jason realize these things. when they're apart, it all just sneaks into his brain in a weird way and fucks him up.]
Yeah. I know what it's like to get used to not having anyone to touch base with, to talk to. Maybe we can try and do that more. I can do a better job of reminding you.
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