you already fucking know what i want, Barry! it's the same fucking thing i always want! i'm so goddamn tired of crying over you! i just want to talk to you! i just want to see you!
[ Upon opening the door, Barry will be there... and he sort of looks like shit. Dark circles under his eyes, hair a slight mess β tired, but. He's there. In the flesh. Maybe with his shirt buttoned up a little wrong. Taking a moment to catch his breath, he sighs then, taking in the way Jason looks before he offers an: ]
[ Jason doesn't really look much better than that. and maybe it's not fair that Barry does, and Jason had no fucking idea about any of this. that's the thing, isn't it. Barry doesn't say shit to him about anything anymore.
but he still loves Barry, and fucking hates seeing him like this. he lets out a shaky breath, tugging Barry inside and closes his door. ]
Why didn't you just tell me? Why can't you just talk to me?
[ They're two peas in a pod for the moment it seems.
He lets himself be tugged inside, nearly stumbling over his own feet before he straightens himself up and turns, pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes falling shut. ]
Time... works very differently for me.
[ He explains then, letting his hand drop. ]
Things happen both fast and slow simultaneously a lot of the time. I lose track of time. Sometimes. Usually.
[ Jason furrows his eyebrows when Barry turns away, but it gives him a moment to wipe at his eyes again. he thought he was done crying. apparently not. but he listens, trying not to just jump down Barry's throat and bombard him with a thousand questions that he's had, all leading up to this. ]
So then what... you didn't realize how long it's been? Or have you just been too bust to talk to me? Cause sometimes it seems like one thing, and now it's another and...
[ he stops, wrapping his arms around himself. ]
Don't you miss me? Don't you think about me? No matter how much time has come and gone, don't you...
[he trails off, shaking his head. maybe he sounds pathetic. maybe he's being selfish. maybe he just wants his boyfriend to reach out to him everyone once in a while. to be here. but he also wants to understand.]
[ Even now, he tries to slow it all down for himself β slow his thoughts down to a handful instead of a room full. It's not always easy and something he needs to be aware that he's doing, but. He does. So as not to jump too much from one thought to another β saying one thing and then another. ]
I do miss you.
[ He says then, soft. Still turned away from Jason. ]
A lot.
[ Rubbing at his head, he turns then and lets himself face the other. ]
Nothing's your fault. [ He shakes his head, slow, hand dropping away from his head. ] I'm justβ there's always a lot in my head. All the time. Nonstop.
So when you miss me, why can't you just send me a message? A quick hello, anything? I wouldn't hound you, I swear. I wouldn't keep bugging you.
[and now it's frustrating, talking to Barry's back. he can feel his tears well up again until Barry finally turns back around to look at him.
it very much feels like his fault.]
You said I could help you with that. When we were together, you said it helped you move slower, helped your thoughts go slower. You said I helped you stay in the moment. What happened? Why are you pulling away from that?
[from me, Jason wants to say. all of this feels like Barry has been doing nothing but pulling away.]
[ It's true. When he's with Jason, his thoughts β the world around him... it all slows down. It slows down to the point where it's just the other he's able to focus on, just the other he's able to see and hear and feel. He's been without that. They've both been without that.
When he mentions the pulling away, he shakes his head again and eyes fall shut, as if trying to shake away a plethora of thoughts crashing down onto him all at the same time. ]
I'mβ not.
[ Hands going up to his head, fingers tangling through his hair, he opens his eyes and stares at the other as if trying to focus on him and only him. After a moment, there's a huff of laughter from him β short, sharp β but he doesn't really find anything funny. It's more frustrated and awkward than anything else. ]
Yβyou don't bug me. You never doβ never haβhave. [ He starts to stutter a little, showing how anxious he's getting. ] I justβ I'm trying to be everywhere at once and I should be able to but I can't and people die even when I try to save them because that's what I doβ should do with helping them but I can't save everyone no matter how hard I try and I don't know how any of you live with this with feeling like you can't save everyone even though you want to and you should be able to because you're so fast but yet somehow I'm not because then people wouldn't get hurt or die and it wouldn't be on you for that because you're supposed to help people not fail them or have to be the reason someone on the other side of the city wasn't helped when you were helping someone else because I'm the Flash I will be there in a flash and yet I'm not but I should be.
[ It all just pours out of him in what feels like one or two breaths. ]
Jason just watches Barry for a moment. the pain, the agony, the forward motion of it all that seems to hard to end. but it's falling. falling forward in a way that's impossible to sustain. and maybe Barry was able to slow down with him, but how can he ever get there with all this in his head. ]
Hey.
[Jason moves closer in a flash- or as fast as he can, sliding his hands over Barry's, pulling them from his head.]
Barry.
[he squeezes Barry's hands as he laces their fingers together.]
Okay. It's okay. Just take a breath, yeah? Shit... I'm sorry. Come on, come sit with me. Sit and we'll talk about this, okay?
[ When Jason pulls at his hands, he lets them fall, brown eyes blinking rapidly a couple times before he comes to focus on the other in front of him. Really focus. A second later, he shakes his head, hands still in Jason's. ]
Noβ you don'tβ I'm sorry. Not you. Youβ you didn't do anything wrong.
[ Again, he shakes his head, letting his gaze drop as he lets out a breath or two. ]
I should have called or come over or text or something and Iβ didn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you upset.
[he says quietly, eyes locked on Barry's for as long as he'll look at him and when he looks down, Jason pulls him towards his bed.]
Look, I didn't know, okay? I thought... I don't know what I thought. It was stupid of me. I thought that being together, that we could make this all better, and it was stupid and selfish of me.
[he pulls Barry down to sit, squeezing his hands.]
It's a lot. I get it... I mean I sort of get it, but not completely cause I can''t move as fast as you do. I can't try to be in more than one place at a time. But you know what? Neither can you. You can't be everywhere at once, you're right. You're right.
[ Much like with his hands, when Jason guides him to his bed, he lets him β lets himself sit down on it, hands still in Jason's. He's quiet for a long moment, staring down to the ground before he sucks in a breath and just... lets it out. Sighing. ]
I didn't think it would be this hard.
[ He says then, soft. ]
Not being able to help everyone... how do you handle that without feeling guilty? How can that ever get easier?
It's hard when you're as good of a person as you are. When you wanna help every single person.
[Jason furrows his eyebrows, shifting in a little closer. fuck. he feels so shitty and guilty now. Barry's dealing with a lot. his own stupid hurt and emotions are just... Stupid.]
You're not the only person, Barry. You gotta remember that. Yeah, you got powers, but that doesn't mean you can save every single person. You're gonna fucking kill yourself trying to do that and then what? You can't. We're all doing the best we can.
[he pulls one of his hands from Barry's, sliding it to his face.]
But you're gonna run yourself into the ground, sweetheart. And then you won't be able to do anything for anyone. You gotta trust that there are other people out there doing what they can too. You can't save everyone. You're doing your best.
That's why we're all here helping you. I know we don't all got the superpowers you've got, but we're doing our best too.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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guess this is doing you a favor then, huh?
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you've always been better than you've thought yourself to be
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don't gimme that shit. i'm always the thing that has to go.
i knew this was coming anyways so whatever.
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i'll come to you right now
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unlike you, i wouldn't move without telling you.
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I'm sorry.
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but he still loves Barry, and fucking hates seeing him like this. he lets out a shaky breath, tugging Barry inside and closes his door. ]
Why didn't you just tell me? Why can't you just talk to me?
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He lets himself be tugged inside, nearly stumbling over his own feet before he straightens himself up and turns, pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes falling shut. ]
Time... works very differently for me.
[ He explains then, letting his hand drop. ]
Things happen both fast and slow simultaneously a lot of the time. I lose track of time. Sometimes. Usually.
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So then what... you didn't realize how long it's been? Or have you just been too bust to talk to me? Cause sometimes it seems like one thing, and now it's another and...
[ he stops, wrapping his arms around himself. ]
Don't you miss me? Don't you think about me? No matter how much time has come and gone, don't you...
[he trails off, shaking his head. maybe he sounds pathetic. maybe he's being selfish. maybe he just wants his boyfriend to reach out to him everyone once in a while. to be here. but he also wants to understand.]
How does time work for you, then?
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I do miss you.
[ He says then, soft. Still turned away from Jason. ]
A lot.
[ Rubbing at his head, he turns then and lets himself face the other. ]
Nothing's your fault. [ He shakes his head, slow, hand dropping away from his head. ] I'm justβ there's always a lot in my head. All the time. Nonstop.
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[and now it's frustrating, talking to Barry's back. he can feel his tears well up again until Barry finally turns back around to look at him.
it very much feels like his fault.]
You said I could help you with that. When we were together, you said it helped you move slower, helped your thoughts go slower. You said I helped you stay in the moment. What happened? Why are you pulling away from that?
[from me, Jason wants to say. all of this feels like Barry has been doing nothing but pulling away.]
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When he mentions the pulling away, he shakes his head again and eyes fall shut, as if trying to shake away a plethora of thoughts crashing down onto him all at the same time. ]
I'mβ not.
[ Hands going up to his head, fingers tangling through his hair, he opens his eyes and stares at the other as if trying to focus on him and only him. After a moment, there's a huff of laughter from him β short, sharp β but he doesn't really find anything funny. It's more frustrated and awkward than anything else. ]
Yβyou don't bug me. You never doβ never haβhave. [ He starts to stutter a little, showing how anxious he's getting. ] I justβ I'm trying to be everywhere at once and I should be able to but I can't and people die even when I try to save them because that's what I doβ should do with helping them but I can't save everyone no matter how hard I try and I don't know how any of you live with this with feeling like you can't save everyone even though you want to and you should be able to because you're so fast but yet somehow I'm not because then people wouldn't get hurt or die and it wouldn't be on you for that because you're supposed to help people not fail them or have to be the reason someone on the other side of the city wasn't helped when you were helping someone else because I'm the Flash I will be there in a flash and yet I'm not but I should be.
[ It all just pours out of him in what feels like one or two breaths. ]
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Fuck.
Jason just watches Barry for a moment. the pain, the agony, the forward motion of it all that seems to hard to end. but it's falling. falling forward in a way that's impossible to sustain. and maybe Barry was able to slow down with him, but how can he ever get there with all this in his head. ]
Hey.
[Jason moves closer in a flash- or as fast as he can, sliding his hands over Barry's, pulling them from his head.]
Barry.
[he squeezes Barry's hands as he laces their fingers together.]
Okay. It's okay. Just take a breath, yeah? Shit... I'm sorry. Come on, come sit with me. Sit and we'll talk about this, okay?
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Noβ you don'tβ I'm sorry. Not you. Youβ you didn't do anything wrong.
[ Again, he shakes his head, letting his gaze drop as he lets out a breath or two. ]
I should have called or come over or text or something and Iβ didn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you upset.
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[he says quietly, eyes locked on Barry's for as long as he'll look at him and when he looks down, Jason pulls him towards his bed.]
Look, I didn't know, okay? I thought... I don't know what I thought. It was stupid of me. I thought that being together, that we could make this all better, and it was stupid and selfish of me.
[he pulls Barry down to sit, squeezing his hands.]
It's a lot. I get it... I mean I sort of get it, but not completely cause I can''t move as fast as you do. I can't try to be in more than one place at a time. But you know what? Neither can you. You can't be everywhere at once, you're right. You're right.
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I didn't think it would be this hard.
[ He says then, soft. ]
Not being able to help everyone... how do you handle that without feeling guilty? How can that ever get easier?
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[Jason furrows his eyebrows, shifting in a little closer. fuck. he feels so shitty and guilty now. Barry's dealing with a lot. his own stupid hurt and emotions are just... Stupid.]
You're not the only person, Barry. You gotta remember that. Yeah, you got powers, but that doesn't mean you can save every single person. You're gonna fucking kill yourself trying to do that and then what? You can't. We're all doing the best we can.
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[ He says, still soft. ]
I don't want some other kid to find their mom dead like I did. Because no one was around to save her.
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[he pulls one of his hands from Barry's, sliding it to his face.]
But you're gonna run yourself into the ground, sweetheart. And then you won't be able to do anything for anyone. You gotta trust that there are other people out there doing what they can too. You can't save everyone. You're doing your best.
That's why we're all here helping you. I know we don't all got the superpowers you've got, but we're doing our best too.
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