[ The smile that touches his face is both soft and warm and it's a bit of a shame that Jason can't see it. Maybe he can feel it in the way Barry speaks. ]
I'm sorry, too. I didn't mean to make it sound like I wanted you to go. Like I didn't care because I can always be there pretty quick.
[ Quiet, he licks over his lips. ]
I know how much being Robin means to you. How much it means to be that here.
[ And he can hear it in Barry's voice. Always. He lets out a long breath, trying to calm his beating heart. He doesn't know why he always has to make things so messy, even when they don't have to be that way.
Barry doesn't deserve this. ]
Yeah, I'm... I just don't know what to think, you know? Feels like I'm one foot out the door wherever I go, whatever I do, even when I don't wanna be. And I know that's not what you're doing, and it's not your fault. And fuck, it's not even what Bruce is doing.
It just sucks. I wanna be here.
And... I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I just kinda sprung this whole shit on you, huh.
[ He lets his words fall soft against the phone, leaning against his shoulder which presses to the wall. ]
I just โ I don't know. Wanted to keep it between us for a little longer I guess. Kind of like it's just us in our own little world that no one else is allowed in. Because... sometimes the one we share can be a bit shitty. With the fighting and world ending things.
[ He smiles, just a bit. ]
I guess just getting so used to managing this whole two separate lives thing, I just figured everything had to sort of be kept on the downlow. I'm sorry.
No, it's cool. I shouldn't've tried to pressure you into it like that. It was shitty of me.
[ When Barry expresses why he wanted to keep it between them, Jason's heart squeezes. He's right- Jason knows he's right, but he was so damn anxious about it all. ]
I want that too. I want it to be just us. I guess I...
[ Whew, emotions. Being honest. Jason can feel himself curling into himself just thinking about it, but- he can talk to Barry. He knows he can. ]
I was afraid that if we didn't tell him, it would make things less real. Easily deniable, like nothing was here. It's stupid- I know it's fucked up. I just feel like a fucking ghost sometimes, you know? Always passing through.
[ Jason drops his head into his hand, digging the heel of his palm into his eye. He shouldn't be afraid of anything, and yet here he is. ]
I've never had anything like this before. Nothing's ever been like it is with you. I guess that part scares me too.
[ He's quiet as he lets Jason speaks โ as he listens to how he's felt about their thing together and he finds himself chewing on his bottom lip as he plays with the hem of his shirt. ]
I never want you to feel like a ghost. Especially not because of me.
[ Blowing out a sigh, he cards a set of fingers through his hair and moves about then. ]
But I know what you mean. About never having anything like this before and how it feels like... too much? But not in a bad way. It's too much in a good way to the point of being worried you might lose it, you know? So I guess... I just wanted to keep it all to myself for as long as I could.
[ Licking over his lips, he frowns. ]
I'm sorry. I didn't realize it might have made you feel like you were hiding.
I don't. Not because of you. You're the only thing in my life that hasn't made me feel that way. But on top of this bullshit I guess I just lost my shit over it.
Sometimes everything feels like all or nothing in my head. Like if one thing gets fucked up, everything else will too.
[ he doesn't like the feeling he gets when Barry says this feels like too much. even if it's not in a bad way, too much is... too much, isn't it? being worried that you'll lose it isn't a good thing. Jason knows it, because he feels it every goddamn day. ]
I don't feel I'm hiding. It's not that. It's more like what you said about being worried I might lose it... and no one even knew anything about it at all. Which is stupid, because people know, and it's not like that's the most important thing. It's not even important to tell Bruce. I'd rather it just be us, you're right.
We can tell him. [ He says, after a moment. ] If you want. I can be there with you even.
[ He drags his teeth over his bottom lip, feeling a little anxious but, at the same time, wanting to do this for Jason โ with Jason, if it's what the other wants. What some part of him maybe needs. ]
He's like... a father figure to you, isn't he?
[ Licking over his lips, he moves about his place, grabbing a couple things to shove in a bag. ]
And while I'm not saying anything and everything you do is for some sort of approval of his, maybe this sort of is to you in some way?
[That too much feeling that Barry was just talking about, along with the feeling Jason got when he said it, it's starting to unwind itself inside of him and work its way around his gut.
Jason can hear Dick coming back down the hall to tell him they have to go, and he gets up and closes the door, locking it. He knows there'll be a knock in a second, but he's ignoring it.]
No... I mean yeah, maybe he is, I don't know. But... No. I don't wanna tell him. You were right, it's better if it's just us, and I'm leaving anyway so it'll be weird.
[There's that knock, and Jason squeezes his eyes shut, pressing his phone against his chest for a moment so he can tell Dick to fuck off for a minute cause he's not done here yet, and then puts the phone back against his ear.]
I don't need his approval. Fuck that. Look, all I need is you, okay? You were right, I just needed to hear it.
[ For some reason, Barry can feel his heart sink a little as he listens to Jason's words. Something about them just seems so much more... desperate? Maybe he's reading too much into it โ maybe it's also the fact that he feels pressed for time and as if things are suddenly happening so quickly with his having to leave, but. It feels like it's there and Barry frowns a little to himself. ]
Are you sure? It's ok if you want to. Really. He's... your family, right?
[ It's like keeping Jason from his father just... that's a little different with his father being in jail... or is it? He visits his father and speaks with him while he can, lets him know what's going on in his life to an extent. Maybe he's been just as bad with this. ]
[ Desperate. Yeah, maybe that's exactly what he's feeling. It's the whole situation though, not just with Barry. Everything happens so fast, Jason knows that too. Barry should know that most of all, right? ]
I'm his ward. I'm his Robin.
[ Jason's pretty sure that's all it is, even if he wants it to be more than that. Maybe Dick is his only son, though, and look how that turned out. But even that's a whole other issue that he doesn't want to tackle today. ]
I'm the one who rushed it. I'm the one who fucking guilted you into this bullshit like an asshole. It's not the right time, okay? I don't wanna tell him like this when I already got one foot out the door.
[ He knows he's not a ghost. Not when it comes to Barry. He doesn't want to shift things around and change any of that. Whatever they were doing up until now, it was working. And Barry's words, just like usual, they calm him, even if just a little bit.
He even smiles, sliding his hand over the pendant dangling around his neck.]
I love you.
finally has a few days off from work and can hit this harder
[ Part of him has to wonder why these sorts of conversations seem to happen over text or the phone more than they do in person? That one time at the party is really the only time he can think they've almost had a miscommunication happen, but Barry had been able to defuse it rather quickly with his calming Jason down and taking him off somewhere where it had just been the two of them. Text and over the phone is just... so much more difficult to try and read what Jason is thinking โ possibly thinking from his expression and body language.
Still, this... doesn't seem to be heading into Really Bad Territory? There's no hey, maybe we should stop this since I'm heading off to San Fran or anything, Barry incredibly thankful for that. He still wishes he could be there though โ he can be, within a couple blinks of an eye, just... probably not a good time. Especially not with Jason needing to leave soon and all.
So instead, he smiles. Even if Jason can't see. ]
Hey, I love you too.
[ Words soft but warm and so very much Barry. ]
Do you want me to come see you when you get settled over there? Perks of having a really fast boyfriend should definitely be taken advantage of if you ask me.
wooo!! meanwhile i just started back at work today so no more late nights for me lmao
[ Maybe it's the fact that they can't see each other face to face, and that so many of Jason's emotions start and stop in his expressions and body language. Or maybe it's just that through text or the phone Jason has more time to curl into himself, or drag it all through the dirt. Face to face it's much harder to do that, especially when Barry is looking at him.
It's a lot harder to be unsure when Barry looks at him the way he does.
But no, this has taken a turn away from bad territory. Jason doesn't want to stop any of this, not ever, even if his brain wants to tell him that Barry might. He's over that now, though, his desperate anger draining into a mild frustration at the situation- not at Barry.
Especially not when he tells Jason he loves him too. Feels just as precious as the first time, and every time after that. ]
Yeah... yeah, I'd like that a lot. Don't really know what kinda place it'll be, but apparently we're all gonna get our own rooms, so it sounds big.
i know that feel when i have a 5:30am start so rip
Big is good. Big is very good if you know what I mean.
[ And he just might snicker a bit into the phone to fluff that naughty little innuendo of his a bit more.
Shoving a few things into that bag of his, he goes about dropping down to his chair and starts to put his shoes on, pressing the phone against his shoulder with a tilt of his head. ]
But just let me know when it's good and I'll be there. Even if I have to climb through a window or run up the side of a building to get in all sneakily.
[ A beat, he pauses in his pulling his shoes on. ]
Or I could just knock on the door and say I'm here to see my boyfriend.
i wish my schedule would shift around so it wouldn't be like that every day, but alas ;___;
[ He shouldn't laugh but he can feel the look Dick must be giving him at that and Barry can't help but chuckle softly to himself. ]
Go easy on him, yeah? But I'll look forward to those texts.
[ And he'll look even more forward in being able to zip his way over and see him. Moments like this, he really is glad for his speed. In being able to run across the country almost to someone he loves and cares about. ]
I love you. Be good. Miss you already. Can't wait to see you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I love you too. I'm sorry. That was a real dick move I pulled on you last night and I'm so fucking sorry. I just thought...
I don't know. I don't know what I thought. I don't know what the fuck my problem is.
no subject
I'm sorry, too. I didn't mean to make it sound like I wanted you to go. Like I didn't care because I can always be there pretty quick.
[ Quiet, he licks over his lips. ]
I know how much being Robin means to you. How much it means to be that here.
no subject
[ And he can hear it in Barry's voice. Always. He lets out a long breath, trying to calm his beating heart. He doesn't know why he always has to make things so messy, even when they don't have to be that way.
Barry doesn't deserve this. ]
Yeah, I'm... I just don't know what to think, you know? Feels like I'm one foot out the door wherever I go, whatever I do, even when I don't wanna be. And I know that's not what you're doing, and it's not your fault. And fuck, it's not even what Bruce is doing.
It just sucks. I wanna be here.
And... I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I just kinda sprung this whole shit on you, huh.
no subject
[ He lets his words fall soft against the phone, leaning against his shoulder which presses to the wall. ]
I just โ I don't know. Wanted to keep it between us for a little longer I guess. Kind of like it's just us in our own little world that no one else is allowed in. Because... sometimes the one we share can be a bit shitty. With the fighting and world ending things.
[ He smiles, just a bit. ]
I guess just getting so used to managing this whole two separate lives thing, I just figured everything had to sort of be kept on the downlow. I'm sorry.
no subject
[ When Barry expresses why he wanted to keep it between them, Jason's heart squeezes. He's right- Jason knows he's right, but he was so damn anxious about it all. ]
I want that too. I want it to be just us. I guess I...
[ Whew, emotions. Being honest. Jason can feel himself curling into himself just thinking about it, but- he can talk to Barry. He knows he can. ]
I was afraid that if we didn't tell him, it would make things less real. Easily deniable, like nothing was here. It's stupid- I know it's fucked up. I just feel like a fucking ghost sometimes, you know? Always passing through.
[ Jason drops his head into his hand, digging the heel of his palm into his eye. He shouldn't be afraid of anything, and yet here he is. ]
I've never had anything like this before. Nothing's ever been like it is with you. I guess that part scares me too.
no subject
I never want you to feel like a ghost. Especially not because of me.
[ Blowing out a sigh, he cards a set of fingers through his hair and moves about then. ]
But I know what you mean. About never having anything like this before and how it feels like... too much? But not in a bad way. It's too much in a good way to the point of being worried you might lose it, you know? So I guess... I just wanted to keep it all to myself for as long as I could.
[ Licking over his lips, he frowns. ]
I'm sorry. I didn't realize it might have made you feel like you were hiding.
no subject
Sometimes everything feels like all or nothing in my head. Like if one thing gets fucked up, everything else will too.
[ he doesn't like the feeling he gets when Barry says this feels like too much. even if it's not in a bad way, too much is... too much, isn't it? being worried that you'll lose it isn't a good thing. Jason knows it, because he feels it every goddamn day. ]
I don't feel I'm hiding. It's not that. It's more like what you said about being worried I might lose it... and no one even knew anything about it at all. Which is stupid, because people know, and it's not like that's the most important thing. It's not even important to tell Bruce. I'd rather it just be us, you're right.
no subject
[ He drags his teeth over his bottom lip, feeling a little anxious but, at the same time, wanting to do this for Jason โ with Jason, if it's what the other wants. What some part of him maybe needs. ]
He's like... a father figure to you, isn't he?
[ Licking over his lips, he moves about his place, grabbing a couple things to shove in a bag. ]
And while I'm not saying anything and everything you do is for some sort of approval of his, maybe this sort of is to you in some way?
no subject
Jason can hear Dick coming back down the hall to tell him they have to go, and he gets up and closes the door, locking it. He knows there'll be a knock in a second, but he's ignoring it.]
No... I mean yeah, maybe he is, I don't know. But... No. I don't wanna tell him. You were right, it's better if it's just us, and I'm leaving anyway so it'll be weird.
[There's that knock, and Jason squeezes his eyes shut, pressing his phone against his chest for a moment so he can tell Dick to fuck off for a minute cause he's not done here yet, and then puts the phone back against his ear.]
I don't need his approval. Fuck that. Look, all I need is you, okay? You were right, I just needed to hear it.
no subject
Are you sure? It's ok if you want to. Really. He's... your family, right?
[ It's like keeping Jason from his father just... that's a little different with his father being in jail... or is it? He visits his father and speaks with him while he can, lets him know what's going on in his life to an extent. Maybe he's been just as bad with this. ]
You have me. You're my lightning rod, Jason.
no subject
I'm his ward. I'm his Robin.
[ Jason's pretty sure that's all it is, even if he wants it to be more than that. Maybe Dick is his only son, though, and look how that turned out. But even that's a whole other issue that he doesn't want to tackle today. ]
I'm the one who rushed it. I'm the one who fucking guilted you into this bullshit like an asshole. It's not the right time, okay? I don't wanna tell him like this when I already got one foot out the door.
[ He knows he's not a ghost. Not when it comes to Barry. He doesn't want to shift things around and change any of that. Whatever they were doing up until now, it was working. And Barry's words, just like usual, they calm him, even if just a little bit.
He even smiles, sliding his hand over the pendant dangling around his neck.]
I love you.
finally has a few days off from work and can hit this harder
Still, this... doesn't seem to be heading into Really Bad Territory? There's no hey, maybe we should stop this since I'm heading off to San Fran or anything, Barry incredibly thankful for that. He still wishes he could be there though โ he can be, within a couple blinks of an eye, just... probably not a good time. Especially not with Jason needing to leave soon and all.
So instead, he smiles. Even if Jason can't see. ]
Hey, I love you too.
[ Words soft but warm and so very much Barry. ]
Do you want me to come see you when you get settled over there? Perks of having a really fast boyfriend should definitely be taken advantage of if you ask me.
wooo!! meanwhile i just started back at work today so no more late nights for me lmao
It's a lot harder to be unsure when Barry looks at him the way he does.
But no, this has taken a turn away from bad territory. Jason doesn't want to stop any of this, not ever, even if his brain wants to tell him that Barry might. He's over that now, though, his desperate anger draining into a mild frustration at the situation- not at Barry.
Especially not when he tells Jason he loves him too. Feels just as precious as the first time, and every time after that. ]
Yeah... yeah, I'd like that a lot. Don't really know what kinda place it'll be, but apparently we're all gonna get our own rooms, so it sounds big.
i know that feel when i have a 5:30am start so rip
[ And he just might snicker a bit into the phone to fluff that naughty little innuendo of his a bit more.
Shoving a few things into that bag of his, he goes about dropping down to his chair and starts to put his shoes on, pressing the phone against his shoulder with a tilt of his head. ]
But just let me know when it's good and I'll be there. Even if I have to climb through a window or run up the side of a building to get in all sneakily.
[ A beat, he pauses in his pulling his shoes on. ]
Or I could just knock on the door and say I'm here to see my boyfriend.
i wish my schedule would shift around so it wouldn't be like that every day, but alas ;___;
You'll try and make anything dirty, huh.
[ Jason likes it, though. He likes everything about Barry, so much. Maybe that's why these things always feel ten times more intense. ]
Gonna take us a while to drive there, but yeah, I'll let you know.
[ Jason smiles even more at that, ducking his head down a bit, even if Barry can't see him. ]
Oh yeah? You'll just walk right up to the door and say that? I think I like that.
[ There's another, more urgent knock at his door now, and Jason sighs, yanking it open to come face to face with Dick's very impatient face. ]
I gotta go. Dickhead over here is about to piss his pants if we don't get going. I'll text you along the way?
no subject
Go easy on him, yeah? But I'll look forward to those texts.
[ And he'll look even more forward in being able to zip his way over and see him. Moments like this, he really is glad for his speed. In being able to run across the country almost to someone he loves and cares about. ]
I love you. Be good. Miss you already. Can't wait to see you.
no subject
I dunno, thinking about torturing him the entire drive there, but maybe I'll take your advice into consideration.
[ he smirks as he goes to grab his things, and Dick just rolls his eyes like a very mature man, and mouths 'lets go' before he heads off. ]
Love you too. Miss you more. See you soon.